The Last Post

RD 23 v Fremantle

So here we are at the end. The Last Post. Normally a time for remembrance but in this case I think it’s a time to forget.

To forget our win/loss ratio.

The racial allegations levelled against Mark Neeld without evidence.

dailytelegraph.com.au

The racist, sexist, bigot CEO that destroyed what should have been a wonderful sponsorship with the club.

One star (yet errant) forward deciding that instead of cutting it up on the field he would wield a machete and have a go that way and our other star forward doing himself an ‘ouch’ while in great form, sidelining him for the second half of the season.

Alternatively though, through all the crap, there is one thing about the Melbourne footy club we have to always remember, the man Jim Stynes. From my uneducated opinion I bet he would be as upset with the season gone as all of us are (probably more so), but in the end he’d stick tough and do anything possible to build the club into a respected opponent once more. So I think that’s what I’ll do too. I’ll stick tough...again.

Hey, here comes Christmas. We have to wait for the finals to finish of course and all that ‘finals, blah blah blah, premier, blah blah’ stuff to finish as well and then Santa is coming to AAMI park. I spoke 3 weeks ago about how Melbourne is building a ‘war chest’ in order to maximise the trading period.

Here’s my wishlist, from most desired to least:

1. Hawthorn’s list.
   1b. Therapy for Hawthorn players who can’t beat Geelong.

2. If spending is to be kept in house then I’d like a cloning program for Nathan Jones, Jeremy Howe and Jordie McKenzie.
3. Tom Scully.
   
   

Let me explain #2. Enough Jones’ to win the midfield. Enough McKenzie’s to stop opposition midfielders touching it. Then kick every ball high no matter where on the ground you are and the Howe’s can take screamer after screamer in order to retain possession. I understand I haven’t got a defender in that mix but cloning isn’t cheap so I figure I’ve got to draw the line somewhere.

Contingency plan:

If Hawthorn refuse, which they might, we turn the thinking away from players and buy Geelong’s win/loss record from the past five years, including their premierships. At least doing this allows our young list a bit of a breather instead of them playing with a terrible recent history weighing heavily on their immature shoulders.

With any leftover cash we can buy Mark Neeld an industrial sized tub of hair gel. Has anyone ever seen him without that gelled hairstyle? (This question extends to his immediate family).

So it’s a goodbye from me for season 2012. I’ve decided against covering finals because with so many good teams playing such great footy I’d have to write about that instead of the useless periphery. Not interested!
A massive thank you to everyone who has supported me in the writing of this blog, there are many of you. I’ll never forget sitting next to great friends as they would read my latest post and hearing their laughs ring loudly. Were they subtly forced? It doesn’t matter.

Go Dees.

http://underagesenior.blogspot.com.au/ 

An experience if nothing else.

Rd 22 v Adelaide

So that’s the end for a club champ in Brad Green and the 100^th game for ‘Chip’ Frawley, cemented in AFL history as a ‘ spirited first quarter eventual 69 point loss.’

First things second though, what’s with the 4:40 Sunday timeslot? I understand that it works well from a television programming perspective, the problem with that is that we fans are not a television program. I’m someone that would rather spend my Sunday than Sunnight watching the footy. Maybe it’s something I’m just gonna have to accept and I only find it weird and annoying because it’s relatively new. My main issue with it, I think, lies in tradition. The fact that Sunday nights are generally a time to reflect on all the games played and the newly adjusted ladder, not a time spent waiting for some cyst of a game to finish 12 hours before your next shift. I was going to say that I had a problem with how it dampens the atmosphere of a game as well, but then realised there isn’t much to dampen at a Demons home game to begin with. However, credit to us last night, we showed a bit of fire in the belly when getting stuck into the umpires, I’d say they cost us about 70 points in the end.

Brad Green, all I can say is thank you for sticking with the club so proudly in all your time there. After kicking two early goals I was screaming at the box to re-sign you. Missing two simple shots in the second I acquiesced your decision to resign too.

It was quite the game for milestones. Green. Frawley. And of course we welcomed ex-Dees coach Dean Bailey back to the MCG as an assistant to the Crows. No doubt he was merrily muttering “8 ½ wins, 8 ½” to anyone streaked in Red and Blue.

(For those unaware, the Dees won 8 ½ games last year and will most likely finish with 4 in 2012).
But as Mark Neeld pointed out and has done for about the last 7 weeks running, it’s a lot about ‘experience’. Which is true. Mark’s got a lot of experience because he’s become so experienced at using the word experience that even experienced journo’s would be having trouble squeezing a word like…experience into yet another column.

Taylor Walker: foxsport.com.au

And how about the experience of checking out Taylor Walker’s Mullét in all it’s glory. I did read somewhere last week that he and ex-team mate Ivan Maric have a bet that whoever chops the crop first has to name their firstborn after the other. Taylor must be an idiot; Ivan has much less to lose naming his child Taylor. Imagine Walkers kid (Ivan) going to school:

“Are you of Croatian decent?”
”No, my dad’s a fool.”

And of course we can only hope that if Walker loses his firstborn is a boy. Again, Ivan would have no trouble naming a daughter Taylor, on the other hand however…well, he’s an idiot.

Ivan Maric: perthnow.com.au

I think the game on the weekend was summed up delightfully in the calamitous 3^rd quarter by my good mate Sugs, who, whilst not claiming to be a literary deity, quipped:

“When Hawthorn handpass, they handpass out of trouble.”

A simple contrast in styles? Perhaps.

Go Dees.

South of the border.

Rd 21 v GWS

Apparently it was freezing in Canberra on Saturday. This came as a massive relief to me to know that somewhere else in Australia is bitterly cold this winter. It chills me to the bone to hear news of my girlfriend’s sister swanning about in a casual 27° at her Noosa home. What a nerve.

This game went down as our first away win in over a year. As you may well know I like to find a life comparison to games each week and this one made me think of helping young relatives with their primary school fractions homework. You should be able to do it easily but just can’t (Melbourne should have won easily, but they just couldn’t), I mean what’s with fractions anyway!? It just goes to show that when your maths teacher tells you you’ll need maths later in life they weren’t lying. What they didn’t specify is that the only reason you’ll need it is to help primary school kids with their maths homework! After a while you mistake your way to the right answer and are left with what can only amount to a hollow happiness. I understand that it was extremely windy up at Manuka on the weekend but gee-wizz did the Dees make that win hard to come by! (Channelling a bit of retro language there, hopefully at least one person reading this appreciates that).

So it was satisfying to get the win if not a bit tainted for two reasons:

The first we’ve covered above already.
The second because the AFL lost a major scalp in their crusade to inject multi-cultural players into the sport. Many had come to believe that the Melbourne Footy Club was the first proud team to have a little bit of salsa in their squad. However, after a year or so I can safely say our sly game is up. Our season unravelled long ago and now, so to has our fajita styled falsity.

FACT: Lynden Dunn is not Mexican.

Source:demonwiki.org, http://www.afl.com.au

There. The statement has been made and the dirty sanchez is forever wiped from the face of both him and the MFC.

Source:http://www.afl.com.au

In saying this, we have replaced our Mexican influence with something entirely more…well, prehistoric. Luke Tapscott is proudly displaying his Neanderthal origins by encouraging his hair to grow whilst wildly ignoring it. The picture on the left is unfortunately not great quality and doesn't do justice to the manic behaviour of his wind-smashed hairstyle.
Maybe he’s trialing the ‘I won’t wash my hair for three months and the natural oils will keep it clean forever’ approach. Although I’m not sure that’s why cavemen avoided hair-care. A lack of product is probably closer to the mark.

Scully came in for some cheerful boos, a regular feature from now on I’m sure. I don’t know how he does it. He’s only on $6 million and has to put up with a few thousand people booing him a maximum of twice a year for two hours at a time. Poor guy. We must be making his life a living hell at this rate. On the flipside it was again nice to see Junior McDonald have an impact on the game and receive his English Cricket styled light–clapping from Dees fans. I miss him.

Brad Green edges one game closer to the end and next week is his farewell game in front of a home crowd. Can’t encourage supporters enough to get along. This is a guy who played in a Grand Final in his first year and is finishing his last in a team only better placed on the ladder than two franchises with three years experience between them. Ouch.

Go Dees.

Required: 1 x War Chest

Rd 20 v St Kilda

Another round down, another round closer to September, but also to the end of Brad Green’s career, having last Wednesday announced his retirement at season’s end. What wonderful timing considering two days earlier I had a dig at his over-the-top goal celebrations from the previous game. Now I realise that he was savouring every last moment at the end of a proud career he knew was coming to a close. Thanks Brad, makes me feel great.

For those who are interested observers in the Green retirement discussion, this is an interesting article from The Age that argues now is not the time for him to go:
http://www.theage.com.au/afl/afl-news/demon-loyalty-goes-to-hell-20120808-23umq.html

And from a man at the end of his career (unless GWS waves the cheque book), to one at the beginning in Sam Blease. Five goals if you don’t mind, he’s kicking as well as he’s post-match interviewing, using the phrase “cracked in and had a crack” twice in the space of a few minutes. His five on the weekend put him second on the Demons goal-scoring list, 12 goals behind Mitch Clark. Yes that Mitch Clark who got injured at half time in round 13 meaning he hasn’t played the last 7 ½ games. A dire stat considering Sammy isn’t quite who you’d expect to be leading the goal scoring for fit players. No wonder our president Don McClardy has kicked off 100% Melbourne, asking supporters to dig deep so we can help “recruit the best”:

“We are building a war chest, and we need the support of our members to take full advantage of the opportunities upon us for the 2012 trade period,”[1]

source: melbournefc.com.au

I’m going to make the radical suggestion that we don’t build this war chest to buy players, let’s build it to buy games! Apparently we’re tankers already so we’ve got runs on the board in terms of match fixing. As for disgruntled opposition fans who feel cheated, well, buy them off too. And we’ll be able to afford it. Let’s not forget who the bulk of Melbourne FC members are. When Don McClardy uses the term ‘war chest’, he’s not talking about a couple of million dollars, he’s talking amounts similar to that of a small nations GDP.

Conversely, I can only wonder what an idea like 100% Melbourne must seem like for those 11 Melbourne players who’ve had contract negotiations put on hold until mid-October, smack bang in the middle of the new three week trading period (three weeks due to free agency).

To finish I’m going to leave you with a stat that I discovered from the weekend’s round. I have often wondered what it would be like to be a stats guru, someone that collates and dismembers a game’s numerical gene pool until there’s nothing human about the outcome. I now know that it’s one of the more boring things one can do in life. Granted I’ve never been gifted with numbers but the following shows the extent to which that is true:

• Only one game in the round saw both teams score sub-100 points.

That’s it. Genuinely that’s as far as I got.

Go Dees.

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[1] http://www.melbournefc.com.au

It's colouring time.

Rd 19 v Gold Coast

There are some classic signs to look for on gameday at the MCG that let you know who Melbourne’s playing. If you arrive and the only colours you see are black and white with a splash of red and blue suffocating somewhere in the corner you know it’s the pies. If there are lots of dees fans  wearing easy-to-remove smiles, we’re playing someone like the Bulldogs who we think we can beat. On the weekend the tell tale signs were the closed bars, the food outlets only half open and no lines for the women's at half time. (There are perks to being a female Dees fan). All of these pointed to one thing, it’s an interstater! 

I do hate to have to bring up attendances again but the sub 20,000 crowd figure hurts. I know we’re not so great, which means not good, which means often terrible, but you’ve gotta stick with them. Think of how the Melbourne bandwagon is going to fair once we start winning again. If we all jump back on at once it’ll be like an Ian Thorpe comeback, all the parts are there but covered in rust! That's OHS 101. But you’re right, that’s a bridge far away.

Sunday’s game made me remember back to a time when twelve year olds would enter colouring competitions designed for grade twos and threes. Adopting a pseudonym and a false age to match was the norm. Even if you’re colour choice was junk you’d sneak a win just for keeping it between the lines. It’s how I felt about our win on the weekend. Melbourne were good but we can’t parade the streets crowing on about some juicy win. What I saw was a pre-teen with good texta technique winning over a small child who enjoyed chewing the crayon as much as colouring with it. Don’t get me incorrect, Melbourne looked very good in parts but there were plenty of times when I could only imagine what a top 6 side would have done when met with our sloppiness. That sounds dirty. It shouldn’t.

heraldsun.com.au

So we take the points and Brad Green kicks five in a Grand Final nailbiter, or so his celebrations would suggest. No. Hey. Come on. He’s a great competitor who’s had a very unlucky run this year and it’s great to see he’s still got passion for the club no matter how down we’ve been. Great game Greeny. 

Other points of interest were Jeremy Howe maintaining his high altitude training throughout the season proper. Why isn’t this man concurrently entertaining a high jump career? I wouldn’t be surprised to see him soar over the bar vertically.

Due to the small crowd figure and reduced size food outlet I didn’t get a second hotdog. At least my wallet was happy. In addition to this, never has the red V on my demons guernsey been more greatly appreciated than when my first hotdog dribbled some saucy sauce down my front. I’m now in the market for a bib.

So not long left in a season that, at least externally, has shown little progress. Here’s hoping the last few games present themselves in much the same manner this one did. Any points are good points at this stage.

For the record, I won a pencil case using the name Jason.

Go Dees.

Distractions aplenty!

Rd 18 v North Melbourne

As a Demons fan you’ve got to be happy with the 4 x 100m mens relay team. The coverage their loss is getting has absolutely dwarfed anything Melbourne did on the weekend. To further distract we’ve got Mark Nicholas on channel 9 telling us ‘Sport is theatre. Theatre is drama. Sport is unpredictable theatre.’ Hearing this made me think, ‘Great idea 9. A middle aged man in a suit gently delivers a Ghandi-esque quote softening the loss.’ 

Well as it happens, the demons lose a lot, about as often as they play, and even though I’m no middle-aged man in a suit I’m going to attempt to soften the blow by channelling poets past who have danced with the English language. Here goes:

Great combinations go together really well. Sport and winning are one; they beget loss, and you can’t hate your offspring. So love loss as you would a newborn.

I tried. Not saying I succeeded.

I’m going to revisit something I did earlier in the season when I had issues with Mark Neeld’s post-match comments that simply wouldn’t suffice around the water cooler come Monday morning, and he’s pulled a peach here:

“At quarter-time, there would’ve been a few people at the ground thinking ‘it’s going to be a 120-point loss here’. And I reckon they’ve seen it before and it wasn’t.”

You’re absolutely right Mark, there were people forecasting a 120 point loss. It’s just they don’t generally wait til quarter time to do that anymore. The team sheets seem to suffice.

Also, I’m always going to back the development of the Melbourne Footy Club, but let’s not preach joyous days when we avoid a serious smashing only to cop a harsh one. I’m just a little concerned that we’re not hating losing quite enough at the moment. It might be time to raise the stakes in terms of what’s acceptable each weekend? But what would I know, I’ve only got a Ph.D in Sports Science from the University of California.

From one false statement to a true one, the game marked North’s 10^th straight win over the Dees and it goes to show that, if nothing else, we support one of the most consistent teams in the world. To add to the positives, at least we’re losing in the manner of Eddy the Eel (not being good enough but still having a go!) and not winning as say, Charlie Sheen[1] might. 

Two great sides of the spectrum to be on, holding us in great stead for when we start winning games. I’ll wait consistently for that to happen.

Go Dees.


You can now follow me on twitter: @CFRanger
I'm not 100% on how it works so this could be fun!

For more writing from Charlie visit:

hiddencitysecrets.com.au

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[1] If his new show Anger Management fails can Sheen just become a pro cyclist? After all, they take drugs to win too.

Howe's that? It's Puntastic.

Rd 17 vs Port Adelaide

Did Jeremy Howe grow up wanting to be a pilot?
Honestly, the amount of time that guy spends up in the air is insane.  I’m half considering creating a JH club where friends meet and just jump on each other for half an hour. I call it therapy. Thanks to him though it looks like Melbourne’s going to win at least one competition this year in the form of Mark of the Year. He's like an overexcited jackrabbit, you can see that for yourself here:

http://www.afl.com.au/news/newsarticle/tabid/208/newsid/142203/default.aspx

Before I get too excited however, let’s not forget how the powers that be completely robbed Andrew Walker last year.  And he plays for a club that has sponsorship and media presence!

Max Gawn

I noticed the team met with a contingent of US Marines on Thursday before the game. Whilst that’s great and all why not make more of the opportunity? Why not, and I’m not suggesting violence here, but why not squeeze a couple of beefcakes into Melbourne guernseys pre-game, making space for them by giving a few players a bout of the old ‘general soreness’ routine. Can you imagine coming up against a marine in a full contact sport? Sure the Port players would go in for a tackle early but after bouncing off 100 kilograms of trained to kill muscle once or twice I’d assume no-one’d be putting their hand up for the next contest. I’m just not entirely convinced that the Dees have the intimidation factor quite right at the moment. Take Max Gawn for example.  Unfortunately he just doesn’t cut the mustard. I’m happy to see more tattoos coming into the dressing room, everyone knows tats make you scary. Maybe Max could go get a sleeve.

North Melbourne this week. At Etihad. I’ll go and watch, to support of course, but also because the Roos are a complete enigma to me. There’s a weird blend of a really, really good footy team and complete rabble. You’re always in with a shot against North, especially if you’re not as good as them!

My suggestions of how to beat them (even though Mark never seems to listen), quadruple-tag Petrie. There is some loosely strapped method to my exhaustive madness. Lindsay Thomas. I know we’re all on the bandwagon now and his infatuation with missing the unmissable seems to be over BUT, put that pressure gauge up to absolute. Give him the easiest route to goal every time and he’ll reward our faith with his lack of it. Let’s bring back some of that great to see 2011 self-doubt in front of goal. This is where other teams have gone wrong, they haven’t given him a chance to properly doubt his abilities. It’s about time we stood up and helped the man rediscover his demons. (I’d like to note that that’s the first pun I’ve used since starting this blog and while I’m not proud of it I’m gonna let it stay).

Hopefully we haven’t all lost the faith in the cause just yet. For those that haven’t I’ll see you on Saturday. For those that have I’m planning a Howe party some time soon to rediscover the joys of following a team that’s so up and down. Invites will be sent by pigeon.

Go Dees

Photo: http://au.sports.yahoo.com/afl/player/290528/90/max-gawn/

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

http://2pagestory.blogspot.com.au/

Sing like nobody's listening.

Rd 16 v Fremantle

 

There’s one thing worse than leading a game for three quarters before conceding seven goals to zip in the last and finishing up 34 point losers. That thing is Fremantle’s club song.

Following a spirited display for most of the game I know I felt pretty flat when the final siren sounded. I sat there thinking, “well, that was rubbish,” and then the Freo club song started, rubbish had new meaning.

Their biggest mistake in my opinion was to change the song late last year. Essentially they just updated it. Instead of being treated after every win to the original epic that (in it’s entirety) lasted a massive 3 minutes 14 seconds, we’ve been left with a shallower, trimmed version. A version trying to be good but sounding terrible. The original however, was so terrible it sounded great. Many a joyous occasion has called for a rendition of the infamous Freo heave ho! Freo heave ho!

While I’m on this, if anyone can explain to me what being a roller and a rocker means within an AFL context, please do. 

My favourite verse:
We're gonna roll 'em and we'll rock 'em
We're gonna send 'em to the bottom
And if they get up, we'll do it again
The Dockers stop at nothing – nothing

Nothing, apart from quality lyrical choices apparently.

Anyone partially attentive will recognise these youtube clips becoming a regular on this blog. Let me explain; not being a master of the technological world, this streaming of youtube on a blog is basically the height of amazing for me. It’s kind of like when a kid realises they’re pretty good at one thing in particular and begins doing it incessantly without care of how tiresome it may have become. Mine was drawing whale fins in water.

This week I learnt that Melbourne genuinely can’t play at Docklands having lost their past 13 games there. I also learnt that my friends will shower me with ski jokes over the coming days considering only 13,284 stopped by to watch the game. That’s the third lowest crowd for an AFL game in Docklands’ history. This week we’re heading up to TIO Stadium for a game against Port Adelaide. The average crowd for that stadium is 10,999. Sounds about right I guess.

It just so happens I was watching some footage of Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson as a Demons player earlier today and it struck me that we could use a character like that on the park. Jacko was an absolute clown in his playing days but the kind of clown that would invigorate his teammates. Maybe we could get Jeremy Howe in a heavy coat of face paint and watch him do tricks 3 meters in the air over someone’s head? Not sure how that would go invigorating players so much as angry Darwin carnies.

In finishing and having spoken to some extent about theme songs this week, I feel it a duty of mine to offer the Eagles a fresh approach. Currently their song has a baffling obsession with the words flying high. So to make it a little more engaging I’d like to introduce my new hero, Dennis Parker, who’s done all the work for them already. Don’t thank me West Coast, thank Dennis.

Go Dees.

 

Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJOywTZboI4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yd5mq2vLnI

Auskick the aim!

Rd 15 v Richmond

I wasn’t able to catch the whole game on Saturday and apparently that wasn’t such a bad a thing. Going off what people have told me, the parts I missed were just about as bad, if not worse, than the one’s I caught.

So what to make of it?

Well, considering the actual game was a battle of who could lose first, maybe we should turn our attention to things that managed to be more painful viewing for the time being. We'll get to the calamity later.

The advertisements. Now these are worse. They have to be.

Carlton Draught, what a shame. You have for many years been one of the most entertaining advertisers whether it be via TV or billboard. Did your creatives all take long service leave simultaneously? I recognise your environmental credentials in recycling your 'slow motion in the bar' ads, originally used in 2010. Great to encourage recycling, not great, however, to bash out a bastardised Puccini ad nauseum. I used to look Nessum Dorma up on youtube, now it’s gone all A Clockwork Orange ninth symphony on me. (If you're not getting that reference it's a quick wiki away).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Clockwork_Orange

 
Not destroying classical music, but most probably my sanity, is Jaimee Rogers. She doesn’t honestly speak like that does she? If she does then her employment by TABsportsbet is somewhat ironic given the gamble they’ve taken making her the face of their campaign. Can you imagine meeting her at a party? The conversation I mean. If she’s taught me one thing though, it’s that there are literally dozens of hairstyles a woman can adopt daily. Her heads constantly changing, mesmerising.
If you watch older versions you'll also notice how much she's altered her voice to the tune of 'annoying'.

But back to the footy. Our coach, Mark Neeld, the face of the club, conceded “There were some basic fundamentals, like your Auskick stuff [that couldn’t be achieved].” Now that hurts doesn’t it? Our team has been labelled young and developing, but that young? Auskick young? 
If it had been some outspoken pot-stirrer making the comment I would have been able to brush it aside and move on with my life, but when it’s the coach talking it’s as kind on the ears as a Darren Lockyer interview (cross code there).

Maybe the explanation to this poor season is something to do with Satan? He brings hell to earth. Did he finally noticed we’ve been using one of his trademarks, the ‘demon’, and is pissed that we never payed royalties? We should’ve just dropped him a line one hundred and fifty odd years ago just to say, “Hey mate, how’s things down there?...yeah, yeah the weathers not so bad here either…look just to let you know we’re gonna be using this team name and we’d love to have you on board to help us out.”

Rookie error admin team 1858.

But hey, as with this blog every week there’s always a positive and if we look to AFL policy there’s at least some serious Grassroots support coming out of the Demon camp. We’re apparently putting Auskick on the big stage week in week out. Let’s just hope our Auskickers get on what they feed caged chickens and develop fast!

Go Dees.

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

http://2pagestory.blogspot.com.au/

Light your candles.

Rd 14 v Brisbane

Footy is a physical game. We often see players go so hard at it that neither gets up unassisted. We watch as bones snap, heads clash and concussion sweeps through a playing list.

This, I already knew.

I did not know, however, that spectating could also prove quite so physically demanding. Waking up Monday morning I felt as though I’d gone three rounds with The Champ (I can just imagine every boxer of the last 10 years, with their self-inflated ego’s, reading this thinking, “hey, he’s talking about me”).

But why?

Well I knew the loss of our favourite son Mitch Clark would hurt but I was hardly prepared for just how much. When the news broke last week I had no plans for a candlelight vigil down at AAMI park.

Now I’m selling candles for $2 each or three for 5. See you there.

Here’s the worst part. We won the inside 50 count 54:50. So the ball was there, just that Brisbane players seemed to be holding it more often than not. Brad Green and Liam Jurrah still up to 4 weeks from fitness. Even if they weren’t, could we really rely on two guys who’ve had heavily interrupted seasons? The signs aren’t good.

So. Being the supporter that I am and looking to always help out my club when required, I disposed myself to the industrious corner of my mind and searched for the solution.

I think I may have it. One name:

Garry Lyon.

When there’s something bad in our footy club, who ya gonna call? Or rather, who do we keep calling?

Garry Lyon.

He came in to help choose our new coach…twice.

He stepped in to alleviate pressure on our ailing president [we miss ya Jimmy].

Now he can make his final stand as our starting full forward, strap on the old boots and borrow one of Bartram’s number 3 guernseys that he made famous all those years ago. Sure there may lie a problem in terms of size and fit but that’s an easy fix, just shed a quick few kg’s doing star jumps in a sauna and we’re all good. He needn’t lose too much weight anyway cause all we need him to do is sit in the goal square and do what he does (or did) best.

And don’t worry about media scrutiny. Lyon practically owns the media now. His standing and professional friendships will ensure that only positives are reported, all the naysayers can be silenced with brutal efficiency. Some of you may liken this to a Stalinist Russia…sure there are similarities, but if we’re to salvage something from this season then we’ve got to be cut throat. And what better way to do that than to get a retired, ex-professional athlete/current media personality to be your main goal-kicking target?

Richmond at the MCG coming up this week. Oh dear.

I have to say I was quietly getting a tad excited about our boys after our two wins from three games. They looked like they were starting to work it all out. Now that we’ve lost Mitch and were made to look amateur against Brisbane it appears things might turn ugly…again.

But let’s hold out hope. Hope that the Melbourne Demons aren't done yet. Hope that things, even in the face of serious challenges, will turn in our favour. Hope that if nothing else, Garry says yes.

Go Dees. 

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

http://2pagestory.blogspot.com.au/

Photo: stigmatascript.com

The more Giant they are the harder they fall.

Rd 13 v GWS

Phewf!

A massive crowd at the G, you can almost hear the roar.
Tsk, tsk Dees fans.

Well we did it. Go us. We’re Giant beaters and it feels good. It doesn’t matter that they’re a first year franchise with players that aren’t legally allowed to drink; I had no sympathy for the Giants once we started laying down the pain. When we get these moments we have to savour them, and savour them we did, all 20,000 of us. Massive crowd. But what a great 20,000 when booing young Thomas Scully in unison. The roar of the crowd when Jordie McKenzie marked over the top of Scully was great, we were almost as happy as when we had the number one draft pick.

I should make it quite clear that if ol’ Kev (and he is old) came to me with a lazy 6 mil I’d be doing a lot more than deserting my team for the ravishing surrounds that are Greater Western Sydney, “Land of the Falafel”. No hard feelings here Tom.

I should also mention the doubts I had pre-game based on the competitive form of GWS this season and the lack there of it from Melbourne. But it’s ok. Winning meant I didn’t cry. My mascara didn’t run.

Now. Nathan Jones. You’re not off the hook yet, I’m still up for marriage if you are.

Colin Garland and Jared Rivers, you can be part of the wedding party if interested, you earnt that right following your newfound obsessions with kicking goals.

Also of note is the return of Flash Davey. Dunno where you’ve been mate but welcome back, it’s lovely to have you here, sit down, make yourself comfortable and I’ll get some bikkies and tea. He reminded me of an overexcited moth chasing a firefly…a leather firefly. (I decided any reference to a jack russell chasing a ball would be a touch cliché so go with me on that one).

Whilst Davey was rediscovering some valuable form from seasons past, Mitch Clarke was getting kneed in the face by Magner. James, I’m gonna go ahead and offer a little word of advice, this of course coming from someone who’s never played sport anywhere near the standard you do, don’t knock out your team’s best forward. It doesn’t help you, it doesn’t help the fans and Mitch Clarke is a big unit that you don’t want holding a grudge.

What was most pleasing out of the game was how Melbourne decided to take a stand and control a game they could very easily have slipped on. Watching them run, carry and move the ball quickly was a sight for sore eyes. And with that Melbourne winter chill, sore eyes were the flavour of the day.

So we got the job done and that’s always great to watch but also of note has to be the dressing down I received from a grandmother early in the third quarter. Now when I say ‘dressing down from a grandmother’ it’s ok, no children have to avert their eyes, this blog is G-rated. What I mean is that she took umbrage at my good-natured vocal attacks directed towards Scully and offered some alternative opinions that I might like to adopt. I didn’t.

Sam Blease came in for a bit of stick in the last update.
Obviously still not over it.
Jack Watts 50 games, great work mate.

Next week Lions at the Gabba. Could be an alright match that one. At least we can hope that they won’t smack us in the same vein they did round 1. I won’t be flying up there to check it out…unless someone wants to offer me an all expenses paid trip? Anyone?

Give it some thought and get back to me.

Go Dees.

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

http://2pagestory.blogspot.com.au/

Photos: http://www.melbournefc.com.au

As clear as Black & White

Rd 11 v Collingwood

Well, I may have been a touch premature in calling a 2-9 ratio for the Dees prior to the game on Monday.

The logic used possibly didn’t stand up in the manner I’d expected it would. We didn’t get up for the Queen, Mark Neeld didn’t know the Pies as inside-outedly as I hoped and the surge in fan mail choking Colin Garland’s letterbox obviously disrupted his training and mindset leaving him flat for the game and goalless.

These are, obviously, the reasons we lost.

But let’s get stuck in with a look at the coverage and how that’s travelling.

Who decided to hire Brett Kirk? Channel Seven, this is a bigger mistake than when your news crossed live to Macquarie Private Wealth and caught staff looking up soft porn. But honestly, what’s going on with that man? He’s off with the fairies 24/7. His pre-game address resembled that of a two year old’s, the words are there you just don’t quite know how to use them.

I’m going to have to continue this strand of thought and exercise the demons relating to Bruce McAveny. His obsession with the ‘critical next goal’ is wearing thin. 

Bruce, when the Melbourne Demons kick a goal against the Collingwood Magpies to bring them within 30 points, the ‘next goal’ is not as ‘critical’ as you might think. Had the goal brought Melbourne within five points of Collingwood, given them momentum and there be two minutes left on the clock then yes, that would deem the next goal critical in nature. It’s all about context.

Other notable points:
Mark Neeld’s new game plan. I have to admit I hadn’t really clued in to what it actually was; now I see it’s the slow but sure inversion of positions on the ground. Jared Rivers joined Colin Garland in the forward line this week. Soon we’ll have all backs forward and all forwards back. Hey, it worked for Essendon. I say let’s see how far we can take it.

I will now campaign more diligently for same-sex marriage if Nathan Jones will meet me half way. That man is killing it this year. And Nathan, if you’re not interested in sharing matrimonies with me don’t worry, I don’t know where you live or the best place to wait in the bushes.

So the game was the game.

50-odd points down early in the second quarter brought that stress related foul-tasting bile to the back of my throat, and if I’m honest it was far more pleasant than what was unfolding before me. It could have finished as two seagulls after a chip usually does, messily. But to the crowds good fortune the seagulls sat down, put their wings away, resolved their differences and managed to make some sort of game out of it.

We played well at various stages, dominating for periods and showing what our boys are capable of. The problem being that Collingwood are too good and any lapse in concentration on our part meant a four-goal banquet served up on a silver plate of defensive despair.

Our game had glimpses but didn’t really seem to offer much in terms of a real contest.

What we did come away with however is a budget related question; do we have enough to splash out on some training wheels for Sam Blease? Maybe there’s some leftovers from the Debt Demolition? That poor guy got plenty of the ball but multi-tasking was a stretch too far, standing up and running at the same time...nup, can't do it. 

Next week a BYE, at least we won’t lose! 

Images: heraldsun.com.au, zimbio.com

Chalk it up!

Rd 10 v Essendon

Let me start by very happily eating a big piece of humble pie. Last week I suggested, and I quote, that Melbourne ‘Take the water bottle.’ For those who haven’t read the last post this relates to my suggestion that the Dees snuggle up in bed and wait for GWS to visit before trying to win a game.

Yum, I’m humbly full.

Also of note was the decision by the powers that be at Melbourne and Essendon to ignore my coach swap suggestion…look how that turned out Mr Hird and Mr Thompson.

I had a thought at the conclusion of this round; Melbourne, Brisbane and Port Adelaide beat Essendon, West Coast and Carlton respectfully, maybe we could recognize this as Charity round? We seem to have every other kind of round these days so why not one where premiership contenders give wooden spoon contenders and their supporters a week of joy. If nothing else it would be a very nice thing to do.

So the game, it was great. The first half was marred by difficult conditions, skills were lacking, but this proved a good lead-in for the Auskick game at half time. The two were almost inseparable. So much so that I required confirmation from my brother that the Auskick kids had indeed left the ground and Melbourne and Essendon returned.

Early in the third quarter I sneezed; when I turned my attention back to the game Essendon had kicked three goals. Anticipating the worst I went and purchased the worst, why do I love MCG hot dogs so much? They'd have to be in the top three wastes of money. The only thing that beats them are an 82 minute call to Bangladesh with PhoneCardPoint and the rights to five Stephen King short stories.

But this hot dog tasted different. It was better than normal. Was it the lightly drizzled mustard I’d so eloquently applied? Maybe it was the decision to drown the sugary bread in liters of sauce. The mixed offal (commonly known as a sausage) certainly didn’t have any noticeable differences. I think the reason it tasted so good was because I wasn’t interested in it. Instead I was solely on the Demons going hard at the ball. Wanting to prove something. Wanting to…wait a minute…win? I have to extend thanks to Essendon for giving us every opportunity to do so.

I can also only assume Michael Hurley had eaten something ridiculously greasy pre-game because that poor bloke couldn’t catch a cold let alone the football. On this topic, kicking 6.16 would leave the Bombers feeling pretty empty. As one fan put it rather confusingly after the game “They didn’t play well enough to win the game but Essendon played well enough to lose it.” Playing ‘well enough to lose’ is mixing a lethal grammar concoction of positive and negative.

So we’ve chalked one up and I’m absolutely stoked. I don’t care how messy the game was, how ridiculous some of the errors made were or the fact that 94% of the fans at the ground donned red and black. It’s a win and we’ll take it.

If I’m being honest, next week’s looking like a shoe-in too for three reasons. One: It’s our one ‘big game’ of the year on Queen’s Birthday (and if you can’t get yourself up for the Queen who can you for?). Two: Mark Neeld knows the Pies inside out and he can now be classed a ‘winning coach.’ Three: The new Buddy Franklin of the comp Colin Garland. Give him a weeks training to settle into his new position and 13.4 will be a broken record come Monday.

2-9 HERE WE COME!!!

That deceptive second party.

Rd 9 v Carlton

I liken this round to that of a deceptive second party.

You know the first party where you meet someone new, attractive and interesting? You get along really well. The dreamer in you takes hold, that little vibe of interest grows unhindered; they're probably too good for you and you know it. But hang on, they're giving the same signals - aren't they? Whilst you're deciding where to take it they leave without a goodbye.

A few weeks later you hear you're going to be at another party with this same person. The opportunity looms large. It's going to happen, you're going to make a move. What follows is a slamming of the door in your face as you lean in to plant that all important first smooch.

This is an incredibly long winded metaphor for what Carlton has done to Melbourne starting two weeks ago with their first of two losses and culminating at 3QT on Sunday when the dream stopped and Melbourne got crushed on the scoreboard.

It was cruel and heartless. Not just on the twenty two Melbourne players who all simultaneously leaned in lips ready, sweaty and primal, working off impulse, but also to all the coaches and supporters who had puckered up in anticipation of Carlton buckling to our underdog charm and giving us what we want, a win.

That difficult second party. That painful same slap.

It's hard to look at this game for all the positives. It really is. How many time's can I ignore seven goals to zip in the fourth quarter? They say first impressions count; unfortunately so do last impressions, in this case a forty-five point last impression branded into our collective conciousness.

So let's consider our options at 0-9. Essendon and Collingwood to come. 0-11 warming the spot next to it in bed ready for our imminent arrival.

"Hey honey, I've put the hot water bottle at your feet just the way you like it."

First option:

Take the water bottle. Let's get in and rug up for a month while we nurse our shredded esteem. After the month we come back fresh, presentable and welcome the GWS Giants to Melbourne with as much sympathy as we would vermin. The only issue, vermin can be hard to kill.

Option two:

Let's sort something out with Essendon ready for next week. We've got Neeld and Craig, they've got Hird and Thompson. I see similarities and massive possibilities for a media stunt.

My idea, let's switch the coaches and see what they can achieve with each other's list. At the very worst we find out some home truths about coaching talent.

Now obviously we're not trading Alien with Predator here. It's more guppy fish with great white. One is pretty and fun to look at, the other will kill you without remorse and laugh while you die. Never fear, I've covered all bases (With women? You ask. No comment, I reply). If Melbourne wins we paper, scissors, rock it off to determine whether we split the winnings because it's only fair to give Hird and Thompson an opportunity to take some premiership points back to their camp. If Essendon wins they can have the premiership points but Neeld will also have had his first win as coach. This means all the Melbourne players (his official team) can pretend they got their coach that win and everyone at Melbourne fc is happier for it.

So look, it's not the best solution but it'll at least make Saturday night footy at the MCG a little less run of the mill than many would expect. On top of this we could get sponsorship from all the conscientious gambling companies that keep our game so wholesome.

Or not.

Go Dees.

It's never too late to begin.

Rd 8 v Sydney

This is a new blog that I’ve decided to create as a means of catharsis. I understand we're almost half way through the season but hey, no time like the present, especially if things are grim.
See, I’ve been hurting oh so badly of late as I watch teams like Richmond, Essendon and Adelaide (who in previous years have all seriously struggled) show signs of dramatic improvement while Melbourne decides it’s another good year for draft picks. How long can I go on waiting? Can I go on waiting? Well, as is often encouraged in footy circles, let’s chat it out.

I’d like to make clear I’m not asking for sympathy, empathy or any type of ‘thy’ for that matter, just that you don’t laugh in my face. Understand that it’s not easy supporting a team that makes such an art of losing. Chances are you’ve had to do the same at some stage during your life and if you haven’t…well, support Melbourne for a weekend and you'll understand.

But lets look at the stats. The Dees have so far registered a win-loss of 0-8 after 8 games.

We’re conceding an average of 120 points per game and scoring an average of 63.
We’ve won 4 quarters for the year out of a possible 32.

Quick math: That's 1 quarter won every two games. The lowest of any side. I included GWS and Gold Coast in that, don’t bother double checking.

We’re not (barring some form of miracle) going to get a win until round 13 when we play a team in it’s first year fielding players who could count their age on one hand, and even then we’ll more than likely go in as underdogs based on form.

In our most recent loss our coach claimed one of the positives to be “the lack of "complete capitulation" in the latter stages of the game.”

Just question Mark, how do you think it sounds for me to start bragging at the watercooler about how my side didn’t completely die in the arse on the weekend, only partially? Think of the watercooler Mark! Give me something worth repeating.

“Well you know, coming up here and losing by 101 points wasn’t so bad, Grimesy put money on us to lose and had a good win so it’s not all bad. A good captains effort that. Oh and also we didn’t completely capitulate. So yeah. All in all not so bad.”

Whether true or not it works better for me.

This season’s gotten to the point where my body doesn’t seize up at every tight contest (there aren’t many), nor do I lose my voice in support of my side (I’m in the bar trying to find happiness), and the days of clapping the team off the ground following an honourable loss are gone (I’m waiting patiently on platform 9 by that stage).

Sure all of this makes me sound like a terrible supporter and what gives me the right to publicly attack a group of professionals doing their job?...Sort of doing their job. Obviously noone at Melbourne wants to go out and get smacked. I think the aim of this blog will be to document (hopefully) the rise in fortunes that my club and it’s supporters enjoy this season. I’m confident that by seasons end something will have clicked and the tone of these reports will be infinitely more positive, what an interesting journey that will be!…or maybe it’ll go the other way and end with me weeping in a corner of sadness accepting a horrible truth.

Either way, I hope you’ll join me for the ride. Don’t bother with you’re seatbelt, it won’t save you when you’re in these colours.