That deceptive second party.

Rd 9 v Carlton

I liken this round to that of a deceptive second party.

You know the first party where you meet someone new, attractive and interesting? You get along really well. The dreamer in you takes hold, that little vibe of interest grows unhindered; they're probably too good for you and you know it. But hang on, they're giving the same signals - aren't they? Whilst you're deciding where to take it they leave without a goodbye.

A few weeks later you hear you're going to be at another party with this same person. The opportunity looms large. It's going to happen, you're going to make a move. What follows is a slamming of the door in your face as you lean in to plant that all important first smooch.

This is an incredibly long winded metaphor for what Carlton has done to Melbourne starting two weeks ago with their first of two losses and culminating at 3QT on Sunday when the dream stopped and Melbourne got crushed on the scoreboard.

It was cruel and heartless. Not just on the twenty two Melbourne players who all simultaneously leaned in lips ready, sweaty and primal, working off impulse, but also to all the coaches and supporters who had puckered up in anticipation of Carlton buckling to our underdog charm and giving us what we want, a win.

That difficult second party. That painful same slap.

It's hard to look at this game for all the positives. It really is. How many time's can I ignore seven goals to zip in the fourth quarter? They say first impressions count; unfortunately so do last impressions, in this case a forty-five point last impression branded into our collective conciousness.

So let's consider our options at 0-9. Essendon and Collingwood to come. 0-11 warming the spot next to it in bed ready for our imminent arrival.

"Hey honey, I've put the hot water bottle at your feet just the way you like it."

First option:

Take the water bottle. Let's get in and rug up for a month while we nurse our shredded esteem. After the month we come back fresh, presentable and welcome the GWS Giants to Melbourne with as much sympathy as we would vermin. The only issue, vermin can be hard to kill.

Option two:

Let's sort something out with Essendon ready for next week. We've got Neeld and Craig, they've got Hird and Thompson. I see similarities and massive possibilities for a media stunt.

My idea, let's switch the coaches and see what they can achieve with each other's list. At the very worst we find out some home truths about coaching talent.

Now obviously we're not trading Alien with Predator here. It's more guppy fish with great white. One is pretty and fun to look at, the other will kill you without remorse and laugh while you die. Never fear, I've covered all bases (With women? You ask. No comment, I reply). If Melbourne wins we paper, scissors, rock it off to determine whether we split the winnings because it's only fair to give Hird and Thompson an opportunity to take some premiership points back to their camp. If Essendon wins they can have the premiership points but Neeld will also have had his first win as coach. This means all the Melbourne players (his official team) can pretend they got their coach that win and everyone at Melbourne fc is happier for it.

So look, it's not the best solution but it'll at least make Saturday night footy at the MCG a little less run of the mill than many would expect. On top of this we could get sponsorship from all the conscientious gambling companies that keep our game so wholesome.

Or not.

Go Dees.

It's never too late to begin.

Rd 8 v Sydney

This is a new blog that I’ve decided to create as a means of catharsis. I understand we're almost half way through the season but hey, no time like the present, especially if things are grim.
See, I’ve been hurting oh so badly of late as I watch teams like Richmond, Essendon and Adelaide (who in previous years have all seriously struggled) show signs of dramatic improvement while Melbourne decides it’s another good year for draft picks. How long can I go on waiting? Can I go on waiting? Well, as is often encouraged in footy circles, let’s chat it out.

I’d like to make clear I’m not asking for sympathy, empathy or any type of ‘thy’ for that matter, just that you don’t laugh in my face. Understand that it’s not easy supporting a team that makes such an art of losing. Chances are you’ve had to do the same at some stage during your life and if you haven’t…well, support Melbourne for a weekend and you'll understand.

But lets look at the stats. The Dees have so far registered a win-loss of 0-8 after 8 games.

We’re conceding an average of 120 points per game and scoring an average of 63.
We’ve won 4 quarters for the year out of a possible 32.

Quick math: That's 1 quarter won every two games. The lowest of any side. I included GWS and Gold Coast in that, don’t bother double checking.

We’re not (barring some form of miracle) going to get a win until round 13 when we play a team in it’s first year fielding players who could count their age on one hand, and even then we’ll more than likely go in as underdogs based on form.

In our most recent loss our coach claimed one of the positives to be “the lack of "complete capitulation" in the latter stages of the game.”

Just question Mark, how do you think it sounds for me to start bragging at the watercooler about how my side didn’t completely die in the arse on the weekend, only partially? Think of the watercooler Mark! Give me something worth repeating.

“Well you know, coming up here and losing by 101 points wasn’t so bad, Grimesy put money on us to lose and had a good win so it’s not all bad. A good captains effort that. Oh and also we didn’t completely capitulate. So yeah. All in all not so bad.”

Whether true or not it works better for me.

This season’s gotten to the point where my body doesn’t seize up at every tight contest (there aren’t many), nor do I lose my voice in support of my side (I’m in the bar trying to find happiness), and the days of clapping the team off the ground following an honourable loss are gone (I’m waiting patiently on platform 9 by that stage).

Sure all of this makes me sound like a terrible supporter and what gives me the right to publicly attack a group of professionals doing their job?...Sort of doing their job. Obviously noone at Melbourne wants to go out and get smacked. I think the aim of this blog will be to document (hopefully) the rise in fortunes that my club and it’s supporters enjoy this season. I’m confident that by seasons end something will have clicked and the tone of these reports will be infinitely more positive, what an interesting journey that will be!…or maybe it’ll go the other way and end with me weeping in a corner of sadness accepting a horrible truth.

Either way, I hope you’ll join me for the ride. Don’t bother with you’re seatbelt, it won’t save you when you’re in these colours.