Distractions aplenty!

Rd 18 v North Melbourne

As a Demons fan you’ve got to be happy with the 4 x 100m mens relay team. The coverage their loss is getting has absolutely dwarfed anything Melbourne did on the weekend. To further distract we’ve got Mark Nicholas on channel 9 telling us ‘Sport is theatre. Theatre is drama. Sport is unpredictable theatre.’ Hearing this made me think, ‘Great idea 9. A middle aged man in a suit gently delivers a Ghandi-esque quote softening the loss.’ 

Well as it happens, the demons lose a lot, about as often as they play, and even though I’m no middle-aged man in a suit I’m going to attempt to soften the blow by channelling poets past who have danced with the English language. Here goes:

Great combinations go together really well. Sport and winning are one; they beget loss, and you can’t hate your offspring. So love loss as you would a newborn.

I tried. Not saying I succeeded.

I’m going to revisit something I did earlier in the season when I had issues with Mark Neeld’s post-match comments that simply wouldn’t suffice around the water cooler come Monday morning, and he’s pulled a peach here:

“At quarter-time, there would’ve been a few people at the ground thinking ‘it’s going to be a 120-point loss here’. And I reckon they’ve seen it before and it wasn’t.”

You’re absolutely right Mark, there were people forecasting a 120 point loss. It’s just they don’t generally wait til quarter time to do that anymore. The team sheets seem to suffice.

Also, I’m always going to back the development of the Melbourne Footy Club, but let’s not preach joyous days when we avoid a serious smashing only to cop a harsh one. I’m just a little concerned that we’re not hating losing quite enough at the moment. It might be time to raise the stakes in terms of what’s acceptable each weekend? But what would I know, I’ve only got a Ph.D in Sports Science from the University of California.

From one false statement to a true one, the game marked North’s 10^th straight win over the Dees and it goes to show that, if nothing else, we support one of the most consistent teams in the world. To add to the positives, at least we’re losing in the manner of Eddy the Eel (not being good enough but still having a go!) and not winning as say, Charlie Sheen[1] might. 

Two great sides of the spectrum to be on, holding us in great stead for when we start winning games. I’ll wait consistently for that to happen.

Go Dees.


You can now follow me on twitter: @CFRanger
I'm not 100% on how it works so this could be fun!

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[1] If his new show Anger Management fails can Sheen just become a pro cyclist? After all, they take drugs to win too.

Howe's that? It's Puntastic.

Rd 17 vs Port Adelaide

Did Jeremy Howe grow up wanting to be a pilot?
Honestly, the amount of time that guy spends up in the air is insane.  I’m half considering creating a JH club where friends meet and just jump on each other for half an hour. I call it therapy. Thanks to him though it looks like Melbourne’s going to win at least one competition this year in the form of Mark of the Year. He's like an overexcited jackrabbit, you can see that for yourself here:

http://www.afl.com.au/news/newsarticle/tabid/208/newsid/142203/default.aspx

Before I get too excited however, let’s not forget how the powers that be completely robbed Andrew Walker last year.  And he plays for a club that has sponsorship and media presence!

Max Gawn

I noticed the team met with a contingent of US Marines on Thursday before the game. Whilst that’s great and all why not make more of the opportunity? Why not, and I’m not suggesting violence here, but why not squeeze a couple of beefcakes into Melbourne guernseys pre-game, making space for them by giving a few players a bout of the old ‘general soreness’ routine. Can you imagine coming up against a marine in a full contact sport? Sure the Port players would go in for a tackle early but after bouncing off 100 kilograms of trained to kill muscle once or twice I’d assume no-one’d be putting their hand up for the next contest. I’m just not entirely convinced that the Dees have the intimidation factor quite right at the moment. Take Max Gawn for example.  Unfortunately he just doesn’t cut the mustard. I’m happy to see more tattoos coming into the dressing room, everyone knows tats make you scary. Maybe Max could go get a sleeve.

North Melbourne this week. At Etihad. I’ll go and watch, to support of course, but also because the Roos are a complete enigma to me. There’s a weird blend of a really, really good footy team and complete rabble. You’re always in with a shot against North, especially if you’re not as good as them!

My suggestions of how to beat them (even though Mark never seems to listen), quadruple-tag Petrie. There is some loosely strapped method to my exhaustive madness. Lindsay Thomas. I know we’re all on the bandwagon now and his infatuation with missing the unmissable seems to be over BUT, put that pressure gauge up to absolute. Give him the easiest route to goal every time and he’ll reward our faith with his lack of it. Let’s bring back some of that great to see 2011 self-doubt in front of goal. This is where other teams have gone wrong, they haven’t given him a chance to properly doubt his abilities. It’s about time we stood up and helped the man rediscover his demons. (I’d like to note that that’s the first pun I’ve used since starting this blog and while I’m not proud of it I’m gonna let it stay).

Hopefully we haven’t all lost the faith in the cause just yet. For those that haven’t I’ll see you on Saturday. For those that have I’m planning a Howe party some time soon to rediscover the joys of following a team that’s so up and down. Invites will be sent by pigeon.

Go Dees

Photo: http://au.sports.yahoo.com/afl/player/290528/90/max-gawn/

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

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Sing like nobody's listening.

Rd 16 v Fremantle

 

There’s one thing worse than leading a game for three quarters before conceding seven goals to zip in the last and finishing up 34 point losers. That thing is Fremantle’s club song.

Following a spirited display for most of the game I know I felt pretty flat when the final siren sounded. I sat there thinking, “well, that was rubbish,” and then the Freo club song started, rubbish had new meaning.

Their biggest mistake in my opinion was to change the song late last year. Essentially they just updated it. Instead of being treated after every win to the original epic that (in it’s entirety) lasted a massive 3 minutes 14 seconds, we’ve been left with a shallower, trimmed version. A version trying to be good but sounding terrible. The original however, was so terrible it sounded great. Many a joyous occasion has called for a rendition of the infamous Freo heave ho! Freo heave ho!

While I’m on this, if anyone can explain to me what being a roller and a rocker means within an AFL context, please do. 

My favourite verse:
We're gonna roll 'em and we'll rock 'em
We're gonna send 'em to the bottom
And if they get up, we'll do it again
The Dockers stop at nothing – nothing

Nothing, apart from quality lyrical choices apparently.

Anyone partially attentive will recognise these youtube clips becoming a regular on this blog. Let me explain; not being a master of the technological world, this streaming of youtube on a blog is basically the height of amazing for me. It’s kind of like when a kid realises they’re pretty good at one thing in particular and begins doing it incessantly without care of how tiresome it may have become. Mine was drawing whale fins in water.

This week I learnt that Melbourne genuinely can’t play at Docklands having lost their past 13 games there. I also learnt that my friends will shower me with ski jokes over the coming days considering only 13,284 stopped by to watch the game. That’s the third lowest crowd for an AFL game in Docklands’ history. This week we’re heading up to TIO Stadium for a game against Port Adelaide. The average crowd for that stadium is 10,999. Sounds about right I guess.

It just so happens I was watching some footage of Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson as a Demons player earlier today and it struck me that we could use a character like that on the park. Jacko was an absolute clown in his playing days but the kind of clown that would invigorate his teammates. Maybe we could get Jeremy Howe in a heavy coat of face paint and watch him do tricks 3 meters in the air over someone’s head? Not sure how that would go invigorating players so much as angry Darwin carnies.

In finishing and having spoken to some extent about theme songs this week, I feel it a duty of mine to offer the Eagles a fresh approach. Currently their song has a baffling obsession with the words flying high. So to make it a little more engaging I’d like to introduce my new hero, Dennis Parker, who’s done all the work for them already. Don’t thank me West Coast, thank Dennis.

Go Dees.

 

Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJOywTZboI4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yd5mq2vLnI

Auskick the aim!

Rd 15 v Richmond

I wasn’t able to catch the whole game on Saturday and apparently that wasn’t such a bad a thing. Going off what people have told me, the parts I missed were just about as bad, if not worse, than the one’s I caught.

So what to make of it?

Well, considering the actual game was a battle of who could lose first, maybe we should turn our attention to things that managed to be more painful viewing for the time being. We'll get to the calamity later.

The advertisements. Now these are worse. They have to be.

Carlton Draught, what a shame. You have for many years been one of the most entertaining advertisers whether it be via TV or billboard. Did your creatives all take long service leave simultaneously? I recognise your environmental credentials in recycling your 'slow motion in the bar' ads, originally used in 2010. Great to encourage recycling, not great, however, to bash out a bastardised Puccini ad nauseum. I used to look Nessum Dorma up on youtube, now it’s gone all A Clockwork Orange ninth symphony on me. (If you're not getting that reference it's a quick wiki away).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_Clockwork_Orange

 
Not destroying classical music, but most probably my sanity, is Jaimee Rogers. She doesn’t honestly speak like that does she? If she does then her employment by TABsportsbet is somewhat ironic given the gamble they’ve taken making her the face of their campaign. Can you imagine meeting her at a party? The conversation I mean. If she’s taught me one thing though, it’s that there are literally dozens of hairstyles a woman can adopt daily. Her heads constantly changing, mesmerising.
If you watch older versions you'll also notice how much she's altered her voice to the tune of 'annoying'.

But back to the footy. Our coach, Mark Neeld, the face of the club, conceded “There were some basic fundamentals, like your Auskick stuff [that couldn’t be achieved].” Now that hurts doesn’t it? Our team has been labelled young and developing, but that young? Auskick young? 
If it had been some outspoken pot-stirrer making the comment I would have been able to brush it aside and move on with my life, but when it’s the coach talking it’s as kind on the ears as a Darren Lockyer interview (cross code there).

Maybe the explanation to this poor season is something to do with Satan? He brings hell to earth. Did he finally noticed we’ve been using one of his trademarks, the ‘demon’, and is pissed that we never payed royalties? We should’ve just dropped him a line one hundred and fifty odd years ago just to say, “Hey mate, how’s things down there?...yeah, yeah the weathers not so bad here either…look just to let you know we’re gonna be using this team name and we’d love to have you on board to help us out.”

Rookie error admin team 1858.

But hey, as with this blog every week there’s always a positive and if we look to AFL policy there’s at least some serious Grassroots support coming out of the Demon camp. We’re apparently putting Auskick on the big stage week in week out. Let’s just hope our Auskickers get on what they feed caged chickens and develop fast!

Go Dees.

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

http://2pagestory.blogspot.com.au/

Light your candles.

Rd 14 v Brisbane

Footy is a physical game. We often see players go so hard at it that neither gets up unassisted. We watch as bones snap, heads clash and concussion sweeps through a playing list.

This, I already knew.

I did not know, however, that spectating could also prove quite so physically demanding. Waking up Monday morning I felt as though I’d gone three rounds with The Champ (I can just imagine every boxer of the last 10 years, with their self-inflated ego’s, reading this thinking, “hey, he’s talking about me”).

But why?

Well I knew the loss of our favourite son Mitch Clark would hurt but I was hardly prepared for just how much. When the news broke last week I had no plans for a candlelight vigil down at AAMI park.

Now I’m selling candles for $2 each or three for 5. See you there.

Here’s the worst part. We won the inside 50 count 54:50. So the ball was there, just that Brisbane players seemed to be holding it more often than not. Brad Green and Liam Jurrah still up to 4 weeks from fitness. Even if they weren’t, could we really rely on two guys who’ve had heavily interrupted seasons? The signs aren’t good.

So. Being the supporter that I am and looking to always help out my club when required, I disposed myself to the industrious corner of my mind and searched for the solution.

I think I may have it. One name:

Garry Lyon.

When there’s something bad in our footy club, who ya gonna call? Or rather, who do we keep calling?

Garry Lyon.

He came in to help choose our new coach…twice.

He stepped in to alleviate pressure on our ailing president [we miss ya Jimmy].

Now he can make his final stand as our starting full forward, strap on the old boots and borrow one of Bartram’s number 3 guernseys that he made famous all those years ago. Sure there may lie a problem in terms of size and fit but that’s an easy fix, just shed a quick few kg’s doing star jumps in a sauna and we’re all good. He needn’t lose too much weight anyway cause all we need him to do is sit in the goal square and do what he does (or did) best.

And don’t worry about media scrutiny. Lyon practically owns the media now. His standing and professional friendships will ensure that only positives are reported, all the naysayers can be silenced with brutal efficiency. Some of you may liken this to a Stalinist Russia…sure there are similarities, but if we’re to salvage something from this season then we’ve got to be cut throat. And what better way to do that than to get a retired, ex-professional athlete/current media personality to be your main goal-kicking target?

Richmond at the MCG coming up this week. Oh dear.

I have to say I was quietly getting a tad excited about our boys after our two wins from three games. They looked like they were starting to work it all out. Now that we’ve lost Mitch and were made to look amateur against Brisbane it appears things might turn ugly…again.

But let’s hold out hope. Hope that the Melbourne Demons aren't done yet. Hope that things, even in the face of serious challenges, will turn in our favour. Hope that if nothing else, Garry says yes.

Go Dees. 

For more writing from cfr check out:

http://hiddencitysecrets.com.au/

http://2pagestory.blogspot.com.au/

Photo: stigmatascript.com